Dr Slappy Got A Live One Here @NRA @Midwest Patriot Militia @Nathan Moyer

Dear Doctor Christopher (American Patriot) (And obviously totally NOT Nathan Moyer);

Let me begin by saying how grateful I am for your many comments and contributions; when my friends and readers tell me how much they agree with me it is pleasant but not stimulating. There nothing more boring than a bunch of people agreeing about everything, and I think it can be a dangerous thing as well, because we can easily make ourselves blind to the truth of things when we only look at them from one side. It is also important to recognize that we can be mistaken even in our moments of absolute certainty; all of the great sins of history were committed by those convinced of the rightness of their cause. It is why I looked at your comments with an open mind and weighed them with all due consideration, for, as you pointed out, you are a PHD, which means you are a philosophical doctor. I myself lack any degree beyond the high school I graduated from, although I have read some books and traveled to some places, I lack the wisdom and knowledge that is bestowed upon one with the conference of a diploma. I suppose this makes me, as  you so succinctly pointed out, ‘stupid’. I had not realized this before as I have never had the privilege of having a Doctor of Philosophy such as yourself diagnose me. It must be this stupidity that prevents me from seeing your arguments as valid. The way my stupid brain sees what you have posted makes it look as if an idiot man-child with erectile dysfunction is venting his demented frustrations all over my comments section, but obviously, since you are a big war hero doctor of philosophy and I am a big stupid fairy, this cannot possibly the case. So I will do my best to answer your points as I see them.

To begin with, The Battle of Athens was brought about by recently discharged GI’s who primarily armed themselves by raiding the local National Guard Armory, so using it as an argument for why the general populace should be armed to the teeth doesn’t make any sense. Actually, most of your points about overthrowing the tyranny of the government are absurd when they’re not actually treasonous, which would seem ironic coming from someone who calls themselves a ‘patriot’, but then, I’m a stupid fairy virgin, so I am probably mistaken. Also, Chicago’s gun ban was undone by the Supreme Court a couple of years back, so citing the skyrocketing murder rate completely undermines your argument.

Now, I would like to address your very first point from 4am this morning when you said, “How can you fight against an enemy with a single shot .22 ??? I rest my case”. To begin with, as a stupid fairy virgin who has been afforded this rare opportunity to have enlightening dialogue with a Big War Hero Doctor of Philosophy, I have to ask you, have I been mistaken all these years in thinking that when you say ‘I rest my case’ you have finished your argument, as opposed to going on and on and on? At least, that’s what I gathered from watching ‘Judge Judy’ reruns. Perhaps they teach you at Doctor of Philosophy School that you say ‘I rest my case’ at the beginning of your argument; as a stupid fairy virgin, they wouldn’t let me in.
But enough of caviling over these trifles; you ask, “How can you fight against an enemy with a single shot .22 ???” This question really amazed and challenged me, much like ‘What is the sound of one hand clapping?’ I find myself wanting to make several points that are all competing to be first, so I will do my best to arrange them in the form of a Top 10 List.

HOW CAN YOU FIGHT AGAINST AN ENEMY WITH A SINGLE SHOT .22???

10. You can shoot them with it.

9. You can throw it at them.

8. You can club them over the head with it.

7. You can do a dazzling drill routine and then club them over the head with it.
6. You can put a bayonet on the end and stab the shit out of them.

5. You can beat it into a plowshare and and then plow the shit out of them.

4. You can put a bayonet on the end and throw it like a spear.

3. After you shoot them the first time, you could put more bullets in it.

2. You could hire someone to shoot your enemy with it.

1. You could ask yourself ‘How can you fight against an enemy with a musket???’
As a Doctor of Philosophy, you certainly must be familiar with the Conservative legal theory of ‘Original Intent’. Well, it would seem to my stupid fairy virgin brain that the Original Intent of the Founding Fathers would have meant ‘musket’, not ‘semi-automatic assault rifles with extended magazines and silencers’. So, it would only follow, according to the legal theory of Original Intent, that the only thing that should be legal are muskets and breech loaders.

However, Doctor Christopher Not Nathan Moyer, not one reasonable person is suggesting taking away all the guns, or everything but single shot .22s, or anything as absurd as that. What we are trying to do is to figure out a way to stop crazy people from slaughtering our children. Adam Lanza was able to spray 27 bullets in 30 seconds into the bodies of little children, and he was unable to go to the barbers for a haircut by himself; what we are trying to say is that we can do better than this. However, when the tiny-dicked half-men freak out and start screaming about killing people and civil war because their fellow citizens have had enough of the slaughter of innocents, that doesn’t make me want to back down even a little bit. We have catered to your insecurities, neurotic fears, and childish fantasies for far too long.

You are never going to overthrow the government. You couldn’t overthrow the Perkins that you’re sitting in while sucking down coffee and obsessing over what some stupid fairy virgin wrote about you. Having a shitload of guns doesn’t make you any safer; you or your loved ones are nearly fifty times more likely to be shot by your own gun than to actually deter a crime with it. Please go and reconsider your most cherished and closely held beliefs, because when you really examine them you will find that you are holding on to a handful of dogshit and would be far better off to drop it and wash your hands.

All the Best,

Winston Delgado

What Do You Think You Are Saluting? @NRA

As the national death toll from gun violence since the Newtown massacre approaches 500 goes past 520, the semi-adults who desperately don’t want to lose their precious toys that they use to play make-believe are fighting hard to make sure that everything stays just the way it is. The two middle aged twits American citizens pictured above are saluting the Illinois House for pulling an assault weapons ban from consideration this legislative session. Afterward, Decatur resident and enthusiastic pretend soldier-man Nathan Moyar (pictured above) gave an interview in which he states that he is a loser whose frustrations with his tiny and barely functioning penis fill him with rage and fear he is a patriotic American who has sworn on his grandfathers grave that he will defend ‘freedom’.

Apparently, ‘freedom’ means having a ludicrous arsenal that doesn’t make anyone safer, but provides insecure man-children with a prosthetic replacement for their own stunted and ineffective members. For anyone who has actually read the Constitution and is familiar with the history of the founding of this nation it is difficult to comprehend how any reasonable person would equate owning an assault rifle with ‘freedom’, but then, as has been pointed out, we are not debating reasonable people

This is not to say that nobody can be armed and that we must all join hands and sing hymns to the glories of multicultural tantric transgender tofu festivals, although it does seem that is what the other side of the debate is hearing. Dishonest half-baked memes about hammers are not an argument, however, and I have to admit I’m not hearing much else from the other side of the debate at this point.

Let me put it this way; I can think of things to do with a hammer besides murder. In fact, unless I am horribly mistaken, the primary and secondary intended uses of hammers have nothing to do with killing people. On the other hand, assault rifles are really shitty for getting nails to stay in wood, and have only one primary intended use, which is to shoot bullets at high velocity very accurately one after another very quickly. What I would really like to hear, which I am not, is a justification for characterizing such weapons as an ‘essential freedom’.