Dear Mr President;
Surely you are a man of some worth, sir, for the confederacy of dunces arrayed against you is a legion of limitless imbecility. It is always astonishing how stubborn ignorance can remain in the face of facts, but bigots are not known for accommodating reason into their worldview. Equivocating know-nothings blandly libel you and your supporters and the referees of media shrug, having long been compromised and confounded by an establishment that longs to be radical, and a culture that is aching to undo itself rather than be led by a black man whose middle name is ‘Hussein’. This is not to say that anyone who disagrees with you is a Klan-loving inbred homunculus; I’ve disagreed with you about plenty of things, most recently the way White House fired Shirley Sherrod without even an investigation. I think you’ve been far too cozy with corporations that have been downright un-American in their treatment of Americans, for another. Nobody’s perfect and I try to temper my hopes and expectations with my pragmatic sense; the thing ideologues can never accept is that compromise is the grease that keeps the engine of politics running. Your office is tasked with governing and that is something that you have done admirably considering that the situation generally looks ungovernable.
It’s funny, a few years ago the people who are ready to take up arms against you were explaining to me how I’m not a patriot because I wrote some blog posts excoriating George W Bush. I suppose this sort of a thing is a matter of perspective: I thought that Bush was illegitimately elected because his brother was the governor of Florida and his secretary of state who certified the contested results was also Bush’s campaign manager for Florida. Also, the supreme court justices who voted for him were placed there by his dad and his dad’s friends. The people who think you were illegitimately elected believe it was because you were born in Kenya or Mohammedland or something and that you are an Islamic Manchurian Candidate who is a secret Black Panther and hates white people. So it’s almost exactly the same kind of reasoning, I suppose. Like, I opposed the Bush tax cuts, spending increases, and deregulation of businesses because I thought it could have a devastating affect on the economy. Today, your opponents are fighting your nefarious plan to take our guns and put us into camps, or make us socialists, or turn white people into slaves. I’m actually not clear on all of the various plots. They are numerous and quite complex, but I’m sure Glenn Beck could explain it with a chalkboard.
Try to enjoy the day today, sir. It looks like the oil leak might actually be under control, so take the afternoon off. Drink a beer. Have a smoke or two. Try not to feel discouraged; remember, almost half of us know that you are a natural born US citizen and that of the quarter of us who think you aren’t, it’s really only about eleven percent that are absolutely sure of your perfidy which is about the same number of adults who are certain that the Earth is less than 10,000 years old and that people co-existed with dinosaurs. So, that should cheer you up or make you really depressed depending on how you look at it, I guess. They say that people get the leaders they deserve and I’m not certain that we deserve you, sir, but we need you. Thank you for your continued service. Happy Birthday.