I’m sorry.

I’m sorry my response to you this morning was so brief and thoughtless. It’s not an excuse, but I was in the middle of something at the Clown Factory and could not drop it.

I’m sorry I used the phrase ‘terrible mercy’. I meant so much more; but now that I have all of this space and time I am speechless.

I am turning 45 tomorrow. Halfway to 90. You have been one of my closest friends for 26 years since I met you in 1988. We regard each other as family and my sorrow is deep as I think of the horror and grief yours is experiencing now. I wish I had some meaningful words of comfort beyond the obvious I love yous.

Life is not fair; it is finite and arbitrary. When I was twenty I laughed when They Might Be Giants sang, ‘Everybody dies frustrated and sad, and that is beautiful’. I heard it for the first time in years a few months ago and I didn’t laugh; it gave me chills.

All I can tell you is to be brave and strong because even if you are not it will still happen anyway; be honest with it, look it in the face and don’t be afraid to laugh at it. Even now as the orbit becomes an inevitable spiral never lose faith because faith never meant that it wasn’t going to happen but rather the opposite; faith is hoping while knowing we are all on a conveyor belt to the furnace. Faith is accepting that death is the stamp that gives our lives meaning; we only have so many days and hours to be in the world and no lifetime is enough for anyone. Even Lazarus had to go back down eventually.

I’m sorry.



One Response to “I’m sorry.”

  1. Kenny Lazarus Says:

    I wasn’t upset about your initial message more like, puzzled. I was going to think about it and try to decipher it but I decided I didn’t have the energy. Thanks for your comments on Faith. I will feel that way eventually. First, I just need to be really pissed off!

    Perhaps I’ll write more about this later.

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