It seems that every time we talk I’m apologizing for my absence and my excuses revolve around the days of drudgery in the Clown Factory. Well, this time it’s the same song except I also moved unexpectedly in the last month. So here I am in my busiest season living out of boxes. Also, Julia has been crashing here with Baby Tony. I haven’t really kept you abreast of the whole Julia situation. My relationships are weird, but this is because in many ways I am no more emotionally complex than a fourteen year old but I get myself into relationships of Gordian knottiness that defy conventional paradigms. By this, I mean that Julia and I have more in common with Batman and Robin than one might think. So, Julia and I broke up a long time ago but we remained close friends with great trust and affection between us. In late 2010 she got involved with a dude and caught pregnant; there’s a long story here but it’s not mine to tell, except to say that now that Baby Tony is here is unquestionably an accident of joyous consequence who is loved by all parties involved. However, as one may guess, dude is having some trouble with distinguishing the difference between being a father and a sperm donor. He was also apparently dismayed with the effect that the Miracle of Life can have on the female body as he was sleeping with some Other Woman a mere two months after Baby Tony came into the world. It also turns out that dude likes drinking more than being a decent human being so she’s staying here for a month until she and her father can move in together. So with everything else going on in my life, I have an adorable baby here. And I am trying to keep the whole thing low key for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t want my mom to think that I’m running a home for unwed mothers out of my apartment, so there’s definitely a sitcom premise going on in here somewhere amidst all of the unpacked boxes.
There have been a lot of hilarious episodes lately that I haven’t been able to share with you like when on Christmas Eve I ended up in the emergency room with a glass ornament stuck on my pinky finger and everyone learned a lesson. That was fun and hilarious. And incredibly painful when the mean nurse tried to pull it off; that was when I taught her the lesson of the importance of empathy and compassion. After the nice doctor broke the surgical calipers on the ornament and finally cracked the tempered glass with the janitor’s pliers, we could all see that my teaching had been required; I had finished painting the ornament as a gift for my family and used the hair dryer to get the paint dried quickly. I had forgotten about Science, and the glass had not only contracted tightly around my finger and tempered into exceptional hardness, but a splinter hooked off through my skin rather deeply. Had the mean nurse got her way, I would have walked out of there with a dozen stitches rather than a band aid.
I recently unlocked Frank Zappa. By this I mean that I like him, I really like him. I picked up the The Frank Zappa Aaafnraaaa Birthday Bundle on the ol’ iTunes and it is the first album I have a bought (I know, it’s a ‘bundle’ not an actual record, but it’s still an ‘album’ in the sense that it was compiled and recorded with a specific purpose. Whatever. They don’t spin anymore either but I’m still going to say it.) in a long time that I have spun over and over all the way through for weeks on constant rotation. Lately, my favorite track is ‘Treacherous Cretins’, an instrumental that guys like Steve Vai wish they could have written. I’ve also been listening to Elton John’s ‘Madman Across the Water’ over and over and over again for reasons that should be obvious to anyone who has ever heard it.
Then there are the treacherous cretins competing for the privilege of having their ass handed to them by Obama this fall. I don’t know how anyone could vote for any of them after watching them this primary season but then I don’t know how anyone could vote for George W Bush twice and almost half of my fellow countrymen did that, after all, so it’s clear I don’t know what I’m talking about. Still, I’ll let slip Sarcasticus upon the Republican candidates for a few strokes. I barely miss Bachmann or Cain in the least as they are the equivalent of children’s party clowns when compared to the Bozo trinity of Gingrich, Romney and Paul; Cain is an unelected buffoon and egomaniac whereas Bachmann is an unelectable zealot and egomaniac. There is a difference between the two in the same way that feces can be discerned to have different qualities; Cain’s egomania is one of cheap personal grandeur that differs little from Eddie Long’s desire to be crowned king and paraded on a throne. Bachmann’s fevered ego demands to be recognized as being an American Joan of Arc with a direct line to God. Don’t you see the difference?
A word about Rick Santorum. There is something about the guy that I find utterly sincere even as I find many of his beliefs insane; I think it would be interesting to meet and have a conversation with him. I find the way he campaigned in Iowa to be admirable in terms of his work ethic and approach even as I find many specific things he said and did to be repellent. He is horribly unqualified and has views that would be backward for the Dark Ages. That he is surging at this late date is a testament to how poor the field of candidates is. It’s this dichotomy that I find fascinating, in some ways he is the most ‘real’ person in the campaign; he would certainly be more interesting than someone like Donald Trump.
Speaking of which, I think my favorite moment of the campaign to date was watching the multi millionaire and the multi multi millionaire madly competing for the endorsement of the billionaire; it would surely be in the best interests of Americans to let one of these guys run the country. Obviously. That couldn’t possibly go wrong. After all, they’re all rich, right?
It is staggering to me that Newt Gingrich has been burning spite with a bright hatey light as his fuel for this long; it is incredible that a human ego can be so bloated with toxic bile that it can power a political career as ridiculous and damaging to the Republic as his has been. He is as much to blame as any individual can be for the divisive and uncivil tone of contemporary American politics. Electing him President would be monstrously irresponsible, even if it were barely half of the people who vote for him.
Mitt Romney. Ah, Mitt. Mitt, Mitt, Mitt. What kind of a name is ‘Mitt’ anyway? (Or ‘Newt’ for that matter.) Yet he is still so All-American that he is an adherent of that most American of religions, Mormonism. It is richly ironic that the GOP that has encouraged the rumor that President Obama is a Muslim (among many other false accusations) is now poised to run a non-Christian candidate for President. I have the Book of Mormon upon my shelf and have read through it once; I understand the history of the LDS church and recommend everyone read John Krakauer’s ‘Under The Banner of Heaven‘, a top rate investigative non-fiction book. Mormonism is as distinct from Christianity as Islam is, and in fact Mormonism has more in common with Islam than Christianity. (Consider that both revere a prophet who was born long after Christ yet incorporate the divinity of Christ and Y_W_H of the Torah into their theologies. Both prophets were ordinary men who claimed to have been visited by angels who dictated holy books to them-I could go on but that’s it’s own blog post.) When one looks closely at Mitt Romney and the LDS it is obvious why Mitt Romney and the LDS don’t want you to look closely at them. This is not to say that I am advocating the kind of bigotry that Kennedy faced as a Catholic or that Obama faced as a non-Muslim Christian (or as an acolyte of the Radical Reverend Wright, take your pick), nor am I suggesting that one shouldn’t vote for a Mormon for President. I would certainly say no one should vote for this particular Mormon as President, but that has everything to do with the individual.
And then there’s Ron Quixote.
I think that pretty much sums up my thoughts on that guy.