suicide is never painless

I just watched Walter Koening’s statement to the press about his son. Depression is a subject I understand. I struggled with depression even when I didn’t have a word for it; having a word made it easier. Watching that video made me very grateful for all of the people in my life and reminded me why it’s so important to be patient and compassionate with each other.

I’m having trouble starting this paragraph because I have so many different things I want to say but I’m unsure that any of them is the right one. This is one of the ways depression gets you; an indecisiveness that sabotages any forward movement when all you are yearning for is the next step. It’s like trying to climb a mountain of quicksand. When I am in this situation I have found that straightforward honesty is the only way to move forward. Trying to understand Andrew Koening makes me feel uncomfortable and writing about him makes me feel even more so.

I’m worried that I will seem egotistical because I find that just about every sentence I’m writing has the word ‘I’ in it or that I want to talk about my life and how I relate to Andrew Koening. That’s something else depression does; it makes you focus on yourself way too much. No narcissism is good narcissism, but the one that comes with depression is of an S&M variety that is particularly unhealthy. The irony is that to get better you still need to focus on yourself, but in a healthy way. It’s really a bitch because it’s the last thing you feel like doing even when it’s the thing you want more than anything else.

I’m really focusing on pronouns and how I refer to my depression. Me. I. It. It is some kind of an entity, I think. After all, it tries to trick me, tries to trap me, tries to take over. That’s not something an inanimate condition does. Though it easy for sane smart people to scoff at the idea of demons, us crazy idiots have a harder time taking that attitude. The character of Dexter (if you are unfamiliar with this brilliant series, do check it out) refers to his ‘demon’ as his ‘dark passenger’. I really like this description and find it quite apt. It hates it and despises me thinking about it or writing about it. Reading about Andrew Koening emboldened it; it chortled and guffawed and said terrible things inside my skull. But when I watched Walter Koening speak, it didn’t like that. It didn’t like hearing about the people who love us or that there is hope. It really hates hearing about hope and love.

One of my least popular theories is that heaven and hell aren’t places we go to later, but conditions our souls are in right now. Every day we pass by people suffering in hells we cannot imagine. There are entire nations of people suffering within the Kingdom of Hell. We are living within a realm of temporary shapes and things; nothing here resembles the Eternal because the Eternal is without form. By now I’ve usually lost both atheist and believer alike; they have a hard time getting their mind together and coming across to me. It’s not important to imagine my metaphysics but to grasp that we do not understand each other without patient compassion. It’s not the rules but what the rules are protecting, it’s not the word but what it signifies, it’s not what I say but what I do. It’s the love we make and the hope we create that changes the world. Remember that.

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