I don’t know…

Last night Julia and I argued. Sarcasticus came out. She looked at me with wide hurt tear-filled eyes, shocked at my cruelty. Those of you who are just oh-so-dazzled by my patient wisdom and charming wit might have had trouble recognizing me. Yes, I apologized. Yes, all is fine now. My shame is deep and burning, but it will fade.

What good is Zen if I throw it away when I actually need it?

What good is compassion if I suppress it to better taste my rage?

What good am I if I can’t trust myself?

I am as ugly and petty and awful as anyone else can be. It’s good for me to remember that. When I pretend that stuff isn’t there it’s easy for it to sneak up on me.

7 Responses to “I don’t know…”

  1. It’s the lack of cigarettes.

    It will pass.

  2. hey! I have my sarcasticus…what a dick! 😉 Forgive yourself…amazing to realize that even at this age we haven’t qualified for perfection. Flowers and foot rubs are a wonderful “I am sorry”. And hey – we still like ya!

  3. that would be “met” not “my”

  4. Yeah, there’s few people on this planet who know Sarcasticus better than you, and you still seem to tolerate my presence, even after it made an appearance in front of your co-workers. That was a particularly awful moment.

    Julia has thoroughly forgiven me for some reason. I don’t think it’s just the cigarettes; she’s spending a lot of time with me and I’m feeling cramped and confined. The nicotine tweak is magnifying all that to be sure, and I hope it will pass soon.
    Gotta run.

  5. Are you not spending enough time with the people you should be spending time with? Make the time and have lunch with Kenny. Trust me… we’re never *that* busy.

  6. Sorry – didn’t mean for that to sound snarky. I just have a different perspective 2000 miles away.

    Do you remember laughing about Mr. Sarcasticus months or years later? Or my “MS” Sarcasticus? Life is ugly & awkward sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade a minute!!

  7. I would also like to point out to everyone that this blog is a place for me to express myself, so if I’m feeling aggravated the theory is that I express it here and feel a little better about it. These posts aren’t cries for help, more like growls of frustration. I think I’ve been underestimating how much the nicotine withdrawal is tweaking me-I’m just not fit for social conversation at the moment. I’ve been brusque and argumentative and the more people get concerned the more annoying it feels. Poor Julia doesn’t understand that when I say that don’t feel like talking I actually mean it and so… Well, you get the idea.
    Anyway, I am feeling better today. And I will have lunch with Kenny soon.

    And I’m already laughing at myself…

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