nostalgia avalanche trigger

Miss Mayweather sent me this.

Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight or the shifting chemical balance of my mind; perhaps it’s just the grooves worn into the calendar by the repeated circling of years, but I’m feeling restlessly introspective. Or maybe it’s something deeper; I feel a vast dissatisfaction with myself over my compromises and choices. Or maybe it’s something more obvious; I miss Lara very much. She called me on Thanksgiving and kept me company on the ride to my parents.

One of the things we talked about was how we all have to carve out our own lives, and I agreed with her. I still do. It’s just that I’ve carved the hell out of my own life and I still don’t like the shape of it. I’ve realized most of my young man ambitions, even the secret ones; I am authentically myself and authentically unsatisfied. Part of the problem is that the shape I chose is one that would not ever be satisfied with itself.

I’m not feeling nostalgia, exactly. It’s not a longing to return to some lost idyllic moment that never was, or to lose myself in rhapsodies of memories, but a desire to understand my life. And it’s also understanding that that I will never fully understand; it’s an acceptance of frustration, a melancholy joy. My life is not a novel rife with symbols and metaphors. There is no foreshadowing or omens to be found, no thematic imagery running throughout, and there will be no final perfect moment when the music swells and all becomes clear. It would be nice to just have a dream where a backwards-talking midget explained to me the why of my life, but I’m not counting on it. I suppose it’s just understanding that the elements of a very unsatisfying story are what most of us end up making our lives out of.

3 Responses to “nostalgia avalanche trigger”

  1. miss andi Says:

    Love the 80’s tarot card… but can’t help wonder how a cliche from an 80’s movie became a lifestyle for a 90’s generation? Then again that is a rhetorical question isnt it? Hope your feeling better in the latter half of the day….

  2. I miss you too. Feeling a bit melancholy myself. How the hell did we get to 3839? LOL

  3. miss a-
    sadly, most of our lives are spent acting out cliches.
    I guess my mood has not improved…

    By looking both ways when we cross the street?

    Thank you both-just hearing from you makes me smile.

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