nicotine nightdreams

I’m on the patch. It works, really. There’s a few side effects, like the incredibly vivid dreams, but they’re tolerable. I have always been a vivid dreamer, but last night was something else. It has even occurred to me that one of the reasons I have been attracted to certain substances was because they suppressed my dreams and allowed me peaceful sleep. Very early in the Bush Administration I started taking an anti-anxiety med that was just kicking in around 9/11, which was useful. A few weeks ago I stopped taking it. I’m feeling very serene. My life is just as chaotic as ever, but I feel unruffled.

Came up with a good line today. While dealing with a particularly stubborn individual I found myself asking them, ‘Do you know what happens to people who refuse to learn?’

To which they replied, ‘No, what?’

‘They become a lesson to others.’

Believe it or not, this actually shut them up and got them back on task.

I’ve been thinking about some heavy stuff lately. About kids and marriage and how I’ve decided to live my life. It’s funny, I think there was about five years there where women didn’t even look at me but that’s changed lately. It’s like I was surrounded by some kind of aura that has suddenly dispersed. I only quit smoking today so it can’t be that, and it’s not like I’ve lost weight or gotten a sharp haircut, either. In any case, I’m thinking about what’s next.

Ever since I got divorced I’ve been extremely allergic to commitment. I value my freedom above possessions or the illusion of security. Of course, freedom is an illusion as well; as Schopenhaeur said, ‘A man can do what he wants but not want what he wants’. I try to be mindful of the choices that I make and to have reasons for the things that I do even when it may appear that I’m being capricious; I generally resist explaining my motives for my actions because I don’t have the time or the energy for the inevitable arguments or lectures about how foolish I am. I admit I am even occasionally dishonest with those who press to know my mind by giving flip or shallow rationales for my behavior. As a result I think most people who know me believe I lack ambition or drive. The truth is that my ambitions are many and each is enormous beyond containment in a single life; my drive is such that I follow them anyway. To list my ambitions would be an exercise in masturbatory megalomania, as well as the surest way to reduce them to dust. Some ideas are too fragile to survive outside the incubator of the mind; for example, I have learned that the novel that you talk about is the one that never gets written. There’s a song where Bowie sings ‘Don’t tell God your plans’ and I have taken this advice to heart.

It’s at least ten hours later and I’m still smoke-free. I’ll probably put the next chapter of my fanfic novel tomorrow.